Well its confirmed, although with no actual date yet but I am 5 months away from surgery - MAJOR surgery. This is not a breast reconstruction that will be pretty or easy and I'm sure if most people knew the involvement they would wonder why I'm doing it at all!
I've spent the 7 months deciding what surgery I wanted to go with and when I finally came to a decision it was one I came to with full knowledge and understanding and a certain amount of peace. That's not to say I'm looking forward to the feeling of going into surgery for 6-8 hours and the resulting recovery from two surgery wounds and possible side effects, but I am looking forward to getting past recovery and feeling more whole, in a sense, and I feel that it will finally help complete the journey I've been on.
When people hear about me going for breast reconstruction they are always really supportive and kind and happy for me. And I know I've said it before but sometimes along with that comes someone who is ignorant as to the degree of pain and side effects of surgery - it is not a surgery that is going to give me back the body of my 18 year old self. It is not a surgery where I'll even look normal naked - more like a patchwork doll! A breast augmentation and tummy tuck it is not. Not in the least.
This morning I read this article - its brilliant and sums up exactly what I've experienced. I have actually recently had someone joke that they wished they'd get BC as they would be able to get better boobs. I'm sure they were joking and perhaps it just came out without them really thinking about it. But my first thought was WTF? Educate Mon, educate them - don't get mad. Most stupid comments come from ignorance.
Seriously, if I could truly have my slightly saggy, stretch-marked D cup breast back that fed my three beautiful children and looked perfectly fine hoisted into a supportive pretty bra then I would in a heartbeat and I'd never complain again. But I can't. I deal everyday with an aching shoulder, tender skin, and phantom pain, nerve twitching, numb arm and the loss of a breast from stupid stupid horrible life changing and disfiguring breast cancer. Don't EVER say to anyone who's been through that that you'd want that too. Because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
So please don't ask me what size I'm getting, or about the awesome beach body I'll be rocking, because its not like that. I'm doing this for me, for my mental state, for the fact that I'm so sick of shelling out $118 everytime I need a new bra so I can fit my prosthetic, for the fact that said bra needs to be purchased in a dark corner motel room from a travelling saleswoman (seriously it feels like I'm rocking up for a drug deal), for the fact I'm missing wearing cute tops and dresses and having to cover up so I don't frighten people with a full view of my non cleavage (I'm not one of those awesome women who don't care who sees it), I'm doing it so I don't get hot and angry and teary everytime I have to go shopping for new clothes. This is all for me. And I'll have to deal with the consquences if it does go wrong (and there is a teeny tiny chance it could but I'm not dwelling on that).
And also, perhaps let this serve as a reminder to us all, myself included, that everything is not as it seems all of the time. If someone is going through something take some time to listen to them, really listen and find out important details. If you don't think you have the right thing to say then its fine to say nothing rather than open your mouth and say something awkward or ignorant or embarrassing.
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