Today I had my 7th cycle of Herceptin. Only 10 more to go. Physically these are easy appointments. I’m in and out in the space of an hour and a quarter. I get to see mum. I get a free lunch. I get to see some familiar faces when I see the wonderful staff. There’s no physical pain…although I do seem to be getting horrendous coldsores on my lips after every infusion and a horrible time weeing for a few days after. Apparently the drug can cause urinary tract irritation. Which is indeed very irritating.
But last night, I don’t know what it was…maybe one too many burritos for dinner…but I had the most ghastly dreams. I won’t bang on about them as I find other people recounting their dreams so incredibly boring, so I won’t do that. But they unsettled me badly. And every time I went back to sleep I had another. So I woke up feeling like I hadn’t rested at all.
Maybe that set the tone for the day. I feel like a zombie. Tears are constantly threatening to push through every time someone asks me how I am. If I start crying it won't stop easily so I fight it. I hate having to go back to hospital every 3 weeks. If I had it my way I wouldn’t ever go back. Next week I have an appointment with my surgeon and I have seriously been thinking about pushing for reconstruction as soon as possible – even though he said to wait 3-5 years. When I talked to my oncologist he agreed that I could, so I don’t see why not when the waiting list takes 12-18months to be seen anyway. I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
|Me at my 30th last year...oblivious. And a little tipsy.|
I’m feeling like I should be enjoying myself, my body, my youth (cos YEAH its still there!) while I can. And at the moment I feel awfully limited and terribly unsexy, no matter how many times my husband tells me I am (sexy that is).
Ohhh all this stuff to work through. Grrr.