25 January 2011

Now I'm 31...



Today I had my 7th cycle of Herceptin. Only 10 more to go. Physically these are easy appointments. I’m in and out in the space of an hour and a quarter. I get to see mum. I get a free lunch. I get to see some familiar faces when I see the wonderful staff. There’s no physical pain…although I do seem to be getting horrendous coldsores on my lips after every infusion and a horrible time weeing for a few days after. Apparently the drug can cause urinary tract irritation. Which is indeed very irritating.

But last night, I don’t know what it was…maybe one too many burritos for dinner…but I had the most ghastly dreams. I won’t bang on about them as I find other people recounting their dreams so incredibly boring, so I won’t do that. But they unsettled me badly. And every time I went back to sleep I had another. So I woke up feeling like I hadn’t rested at all.

Maybe that set the tone for the day. I feel like a zombie. Tears are constantly threatening to push through every time someone asks me how I am. If I start crying it won't stop easily so I fight it. I hate having to go back to hospital every 3 weeks. If I had it my way I wouldn’t ever go back. Next week I have an appointment with my surgeon and I have seriously been thinking about pushing for reconstruction as soon as possible – even though he said to wait 3-5 years. When I talked to my oncologist he agreed that I could, so I don’t see why not when the waiting list takes 12-18months to be seen anyway. I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

Me at my 30th last year...oblivious. And a little tipsy.

I’m feeling like I should be enjoying myself, my body, my youth (cos YEAH its still there!) while I can. And at the moment I feel awfully limited and terribly unsexy, no matter how many times my husband tells me I am (sexy that is).

Ohhh all this stuff to work through. Grrr.

7 comments:

Widge said...

I can't even begin to imagine how tough this must be Mon. You are such an inspiration.
Hope you feel emotionally better soon and banish those awful dreams.
xo

p.s creeping up to 31 myself..man that went fast!

travelandtea.com said...

I think you're incredible Mon, incredible. If I can help (in whatever, limited, remote [literally and geographically] way!) in helping un-limit ya, sing out! On the sexy front, hell love, you're rocking the French, chic, film star hair-do, rocking it! xx

jacksta said...

:( Stink Mon. ((((Cyber hugs))))) your way.

Simoney said...

Ahhh lets hang out soon.
then I can give you a REAL hug not just a cyber one
xxx

PaisleyJade said...

Feeling for you - can't imagine what it must be like! So wish we could hurry up the hospital/medical systems sometimes!!!

p.s. I think you look stunning in your recent pics.

Sammy said...

Agree at how lovely you look in your pics...pretty girl xx

Mon said...

Oh gosh thanks all you stunning ladies. Seems silly after I promised I'd not be so vain. But I'm human...
Feeling the love...love ya all.