Some days this whole cancer thing really catches me off guard. Slaps me in the face and reminds me its still stalking me. I thought I had left it behind, but nope, there it is lurking in the corner. Smirking. Teasing. Whispering "I could come back...you never know..."
So I crawl back into The Well. The Well of Quiet Withdraw. This is when I pull away and need time. I might not be able to communicate or concentrate much on anything other than immediate tasks at hand. It's easier to retreat into my kitchen and plod away at a batch of 100 cookies more than anything else. Its quiet methodical work, where I can be in my own head and, probably to my detriment, think away and come up with all sorts of ideas - good or bad.
Its funny, because I thought I had well and truly climbed out of the well I was in after my treatment had finished. Back in March I felt like the well was really conquered and I had risen to the top and climbed out. But I've come to realise it's there to just pop back into for a while every now and then. It hasn't been boarded up. The well is quiet, dark and deep and I feel somewhat safer there but probably more alone...
I'm in the well at the moment. Is it because its the anniversary of my surgery? This time last year I was so confused and scared...no, terrified. I'm amazed, looking back, that I got through it at all. I was carried through on love and prayers most definitely.
So I'm sitting here in the dark. Thinking. Contemplating. Planning. Praying. Trying to ignore the sneaky stalker in the corner. It just never seems to leave though.