13 April 2011

The Well

Some days this whole cancer thing really catches me off guard. Slaps me in the face and reminds me its still stalking me. I thought I had left it behind, but nope, there it is lurking in the corner. Smirking. Teasing. Whispering "I could come back...you never know..."

So I crawl back into The Well. The Well of Quiet Withdraw. This is when I pull away and need time. I might not be able to communicate or concentrate much on anything other than immediate tasks at hand. It's easier to retreat into my kitchen and plod away at a batch of 100 cookies more than anything else. Its quiet methodical work, where I can be in my own head and, probably to my detriment, think away and come up with all sorts of ideas - good or bad.

Its funny, because I thought I had well and truly climbed out of the well I was in after my treatment had finished. Back in March I felt like the well was really conquered and I had risen to the top and climbed out. But I've come to realise it's there to just pop back into for a while every now and then. It hasn't been boarded up. The well is quiet, dark and deep and I feel somewhat safer there but probably more alone...

I'm in the well at the moment. Is it because its the anniversary of my surgery? This time last year I was so confused and scared...no, terrified. I'm amazed, looking back, that I got through it at all. I was carried through on love and prayers most definitely.

So I'm sitting here in the dark. Thinking. Contemplating. Planning. Praying. Trying to ignore the sneaky stalker in the corner. It just never seems to leave though.


weza said...

It must be quite surreal to be a year out from surgery and coming out the other side of cancer. I think the well sounds lovely actually. Im feeling like crawling in myself, perhaps we could hang out together. xxx

Little Sabine said...

I'm 4 1/2 years post "treatment", the well was deep and dark to start with, now it is a little puddle. I'll always have my gumboots on in case the water gets a little deeper but with them on i know i am prepared. :D

Pammiej2002 said...

Newly finished with treatment, I so understand that paralyzing fear that can come with the aftermath of Treatment. Treatment is one of the hardest things in the entire world. And we did it. I have a serious fear that I am going to have to do it again and am not sure I am strong enough to do it.

BUT, every month that goes by, I do feel myself more confident and strong. And every day I look at my kids, I know that if my world fell apart tomorrow, I would find the strength to continue that fight. (Child birth was hard too, and I did it twice, right?)

Anniversaries are sneaky little things. We are going along fine, maybe not even realizing it is an Anniversary and then BOOM, our brain subconsciously remembers and we are back in the well. I always plan for the worse and hope for the best.

Stay well my blog friend. From across the globe, I am shining a flashlight into your well. There are lots of us new survivors out here, you can lean on us.

jacksta said...

((((Cyber Hugs)))))

Mon said...

Thanks for all your lovely comments. My husband and I are heading away for the weekend (its our anniversary) so it should be a good break to clear the head and just "be". I'm looking forward to it.

Simoney said...

Love to you Mon.
see you tomorrow for a RL HUG.