Mon at 45

I turned 45 this year. I started my blog in 2008 when I was 28 and to say that I've changed might be something of a wild understatement.

When I was 28 I was a year post-partum with Johnny. I was a young mum juggling 3 young kids aged 5 and under and I was likely overwhelmed but young enough with energy to cope. The thought of juggling 3 young kids now makes my bones hurt more than they already do. 

I want to talk about body image. I'm not going to do a cheesy letter to my 28 year old self. But here's what my body has seen me through since I was 22:

• I've given birth to three children - 2 emergency c sections, one V back.
• A Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis 2 months after I turned 30 - surgery, chemo, radiation, herceptin, reconstruction surgeries; 11 surgeries in total over 5 years.
• At 38, a heartbreaking divorce spurred in part by criticism of my body post cancer and the deeply disturbing realisation I'd never reach the ideal body type preferred by my ex and the constant and exhausting disappointment I always found myself facing in never measuring up to an ideal. (Keep in mind I was only 64kgs at this point). 
• Followed 18 months later by a traumatic but unavoidable move 2000km from my beautiful children due to said ex, which kicked off an auto immune thyroid problem, Graves Disease.
• Financially starting over and fighting to remake my life on my terms without compromise. This led me to the love of my life and a new start. This didn't come without its fair share of mental and emotional stress.
• At 42, a miscarriage at 11 weeks which also picked a pre cancerous cervical polyp (silver lining).

All those things above deserve a longer explanation than the simple overview I've just catergorised. To be frank they each deserve their own juicy chapter in a book. But what I want to really celebrate is my 45 year old body with its scars, cellulite and extra rolls despite all the above. 

I'm 30kg heavier than when I was 28. My body has many stories and deserves honouring with the love and care I'd tell anyone else to give to theirs. Because this body needs celebrating - it's still here as I reflect over the almost 23 years of work its given to new life and new beginnings, both to my precious children and ultimately, to myself. I'm on the precipice of menopause - my ears itch, I sweat like a pig at precisely 4am each morning and I've finally admitted that I need reading glasses. Tik tok confuses me and I find that more than 3 wines leave me feeling seedy the next day. I'm turning old before my own eyes. And yet, I remember that almost 15 years ago I had a diagnosis that I begged a higher power to let me get old and watch my children grow into adults. Well, I've got that. Who cares if I've got a few extra kgs on board with me now?

And besides, my delicious husband thinks I'm as sexy as hell. And I'll take that thanks.